Outlet

Friendship is an endeavor made frightening by failure.
Worse is failure unseen, unanticipated, unpronounced until it is deep.
I thought I was welcomed, embraced despite my green shyness.
I thought the net of conversation billowing around my ears like a quilt
was honey sweet toasted intellect and acceptance of all creative thought and soul,
I thought it was a miracle I stumbled into.
and a miracle they let me stay.
Rubbing my shoulder, sparking my laughter, sharing my secrets.
They let me adore them.
And I felt caught up and freed and Live In Color.
like my eyes were wide and the world was crisp
and breathing was easier because I was halfway flying at night with these souls.
And their beauty was delicious, and all beauty was delicious.
I thought if I grew and learned to soar in these wings they'd fashioned for me out of wooden words, so flawed, but my own inspirations, I'd never touch back down.
But enchanted nights fell asleep to groggy mornings and summer brought a haze of magic and melancholy and it was spotty trying to keep my feathered friends close. I could feel their drift like the pull of my own unrighteously dubbed scepter.
I didn't belong in lead.

But it didn't matter too much, my life was pulsating on something bigger than words, and before I could catch a breath I was running in love with my very own miracle.
I fit there in ways I couldn't have dreamed.
Like running into the ocean and discovering I wasn't just a mermaid meant to lace these waters, I was a particle of the mist, the breeze, the foam, the crash, the calm, the depth. Forever embalmed in a divinely perfect place.
I was in an "us" so deeply the comfort made me cry and ache at the thought of anything less close.
and one person meant the world.
one soul adored me.
oh heavens sweetness everlasting.
I could taste it, hold it, feel its shimmer in my spirit's skin and quiver through my veins.
My life was perfectly next to him, with him.
And I itched with anticipation
for endless days exactly this way.

I kept eyes on my fluttering friends.
Through a few seasons they darted here and there but never to my path.
Never even across it.
I wondered,
Had I been forgotten?
So quickly? So quietly?
Had I been sent off to a neverland in their fantastic minds where friends were not recalled or desired or needed?

Finally, I received a letter.
But while it held sharp recognition, it was not filled with words of relief.
I had not been forgotten by one.
Certainly when you ruin someone's life, they don't forget you.
Things of importance had "been afoot", as they say,
and unbeknownst to my green, green shyness, I had stepped into that miraculous net held by so many magical beings, and stood where fraying edges were daring to snap.
She hated me for standing there.
For not moving. For rubbing shoulders, and laughing, and flexing my wings and thinking I belonged.
With every word she unearthed the memories I would pace over and over for years to come.
Trying to find the million sparkling glints that could issue such discrepancies between her divining and mine.
Trying to scrub her hatred from my blood, devastated at its existence, broken by my part in her sorrow. Hating myself for those glints I'd never caught while it had mattered.

I let all my birds fly away.
And maybe someday I'll know some were the friends I believed, maybe someday I'll blame myself for not being brave enough to seek them out and ask.
But in these days I am not brave.
Unsteady from love lost or never attained, I am pathetically far from many beautiful souls, and unwaveringly close in the ocean of "us", swirling as an intended particle of everything.
Feeling God's kiss of meaning on my forehead, I am hoping.
For the ship's nets passing old and yet to come, to want me up in flight with my ocean.

Home is Where your Heart is

Home is where the heart is
at least that's what they say
but how do you figure
when what you live for
live in different places and states?
My heart is with my family
because they taught it how to grow
they teased and tore and opened it wide
to allow new things and hope.
My heart is with my husband
he loves me unconditionally
even when I feel low down
he brings me up to dance in the clouds.
My heart is with my daughter
her smile makes it beat
even when she throws up all over me.
My heart is with my Lord
my Savior and my King
he laid his life upon the cross
to be with me again.
I have so many loved ones!
how lucky am I
to never have to look,
for home is everywhere those I love reside.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I'd like to think Satan is like Gollum.
That he was once my brother, but
with a chink of pride within his heart.
That he just fell a bit away,
and bits became great.
I'd like to think the rest of his goodness
is still there.
Still exists.
Just forgotten beneath the layers of
choice
upon
choice.
Bad
upon
worse.
I'd like to think he loves.
I'd like to think he remembers sometimes.
When he's lonely,
or sick of being alone on Christmas.
I'd like to think he misses his mother.
I'd like to think he's like Captain Hook
or Prince John...just
lost in a fairly tale for awhile.
Distracted by the sparklies in the world.
Like he forgot to grow up and be like his daddy,
find the woman of his dreams,
have a son of his own.

I'd like to think that someday he'll be there at the reunion.
Like a long lost uncle who eventually made it back.
It's just hard to imagine that a son of God,
whom the angels loved and mourned,
won't come home because he hates it's light.

Ceased to be

I tried to make it nice hun
I really really did
I wanted you to like it babe
but sometimes I just cant win
I used the level like you told me to
I even measured it out
but something went askew love
and it just isn't very right.
I tried to make it nice hun
I really really tried
but I am at a loss for words dear
at how this came to be
but somewhere between the wall
and the hammer
the nail ceased to be.

I have been trying to decorate the home and get pictures up on the walls because Jameson said it makes it feel more like home. So as a surprise, I was hanging up pictures and I got one stuck in the wall...and... I tried to pull it out but it just wouldn't come out! So, I used both hands, and with the hammer, it did come out. But I have no idea where it is. I had 2 friends come and try separately. But before you freak out, I did vacuum the floor before Chloe went on it again and rearranged the furniture. It really did cease to be.

Outrageously outraged

"What blasphemy!" You cry
with an outraged indignation.
"How dare you such a wrong?"
I couldn't help but care even less
as you stared me down
with the line in the middle of your eyebrows
furrowed deep
accentuating the vein that runs
just above your left eye.
Funny how you feel so completely,
utterly,
offended
at something so small that has no bearing
on your personal enjoyment.
Regardless, I won't listen to your
throes and complaints.
I'm listening to Christmas music
this week,
be it before Thanksgiving
or no.